This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
You Might Also Like
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
How actors in movies eat their food
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”