my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
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Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all