You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
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If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
This is my brand.
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals