recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
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When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
opening twitter today
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!