Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
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Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
The only equipped I am is ill.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.