ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
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(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
just got my engagement photos
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.