Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.![]()
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i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
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me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
“So sorry” -Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” -Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” -Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” -Apologise to me
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.