Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
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Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
He took my last fry, your honor
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.