If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
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If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
Cauliflower has a good publicist.