Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
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[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.