Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
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Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”