Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
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Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
The billionaire who’s hunting me for sport is mad because I’m not trying. I’m running in slow motion making Chariots of Fire noises
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
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Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
Yup
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