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I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.