14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
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I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
A drum solo but on your face.
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”