It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
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NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
Peter Parker Peter Driver
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*