I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
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How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”