Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
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I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
The news
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
I’ve had worse
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok