Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
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He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)