Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
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William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
lot going on here, legally speaking.
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine