[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
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The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.