squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
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I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream