JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
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Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.