Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
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Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared