Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
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Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
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I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
cause of death:
autopsy.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
my wife: “we should go to that buffet where you slipped on fettuccine alfredo you spilled while running to the cheese fountain”
me: “you’ll have to be more specific”
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
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My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.