Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
You Might Also Like
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?