Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
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Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.