Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
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Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.