pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
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It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.