pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
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I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
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Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
Sorry not sorry.
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“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.