To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
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I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.