Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
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Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.