“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
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Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
Cat is stressing him out.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.