This came to me in a dream.
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i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
When the stylist spins you back around
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.