saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
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Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
me: most people don鈥檛 use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 馃槕
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa鈥檚 ex-boyfriends.
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
Horrifying if literal: a handbag