saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
You Might Also Like
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
put ‘er there pardner!
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
This could be us, but you weedin’.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]