Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
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My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
I think I’ll stand
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
it’s finally my moment to shine
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy