I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
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POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?