I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
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Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
Finally!
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance