*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
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Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
What my back needs
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
Wednesday
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.