*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
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I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce