Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
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there’s probably a fee though
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.