*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
You Might Also Like
my fav colour is also hitler
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.