*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
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Lassie, get help!
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Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
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I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
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It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
i choose….tongue
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[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.