Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
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[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.