[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
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Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
The news in a nutshell.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…