when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
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Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
Love thy neighbor’s dog
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.