“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
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If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find