I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
You Might Also Like
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….