TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
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I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
“Theirye’re” problem solved
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u