REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
You Might Also Like
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?