One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
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Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir