Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
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‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
Never mess with a drunken pig.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*