That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
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If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid